be there.

blumpkins for christ

alright. i've had it. i'm putting my fucking foot down.

voluptuous

One entry found for voluptuous.

Main Entry: vo·lup·tu·ous
Pronunciation: v&-'l&p(t)-sh&-w&s, -sh&s
Function: adjective
Etymology: Middle English, from Latin voluptuosus, irregular from voluptas pleasure, from volup pleasurable; akin to Greek elpesthai to hope, Latin velle to wish -- more at WILL
1 a : full of delight or pleasure to the senses : conducive to or arising from sensuous or sensual gratification : LUXURIOUS voluptuous dance> <voluptuous ornamentation> voluptuous wine> b : suggesting sensual pleasure by fullness and beauty of form <voluptuous nudes>
2 : given to or spent in enjoyment of luxury, pleasure, or sensual gratifications voluptuous holiday -- Edmund Wilson>
synonym see SENSUOUS

Ok, that said, two things:

1.) DO YOU FUCKING SEE AN "M" IN THAT WORD? NO, YOU FUCKING DON'T. THAT'S BECAUSE THERE IS NO SUCH FUCKING WORD AS "VOLUMPTUOUS"!!!
I have no idea how this social phenomenon of mispronounciation began, but this is the end. Here is a quick list of things I will do to you if I ever hear the word "volumptuous" come out of your mouth:
a.) Call you a fucking retard, resulting in a depreciation of self-worth
b.) Burn your fucking house down. If you live in an apartment, I will burn your parent's house down. If your parents are dead, I will kill a kitten. A really cute one.
c.) I will break into your domicile, steal all your toilet paper, and replace it with the low grade shit that they make phonebooks out of. This is an extremely subtle yet eventually effective way of making you realize your faux-pas.
So, I guess it's been made pretty clear that I will no longer tolerate the mispronounciation of this word. But what about misusage? Hmmm....

Here's the deal. If you're on an internet dating site and you've listed your body type as "voluptuous", guess what? You're probably fat.
Now I'm not talking shit about fat people. Be fat, be happy. Get diabetes and die of heart failure. Awesome. You have my support 100%. You should be stoked on the fact that your ass looks like it took a buckshot and your tits look like a wet pancake hanging from a nail. Whatever. You're terrific.
But you're not "voluptuous". Example:

Here is the first picture that came up when I google image searched "voluptuous":

STATUS: VOLUPTUOUS

Now, here is one of the first pictures I found through Yahoo! Personals when the only thing checked in the search criteria was "Body Type: Voluptuous" :

STATUS: FAT

My point has been made.
Get it together, America...

gabba gabba haymaker

It should be noted that The Ramones are most likely my favorite band of all time. Their various untimely passings did not send me into a 13-year-old-girl-cutting-her-wrists-over-the-death-of-Cobain type depression, but it did bum me out a bit. Since their respective demises, sales of pink baby-doll Ramones t-shirts have gone through the roof (the roof, which is not on fire by the way, so conserve your water - we're in the middle of the 3rd worst drought in history, asshole) and their old albums have been repackaged and re-released shamelessly. Since I don't give a fuck about anything post-Rocket to Russia, and when I've been drinking I don't have much tact or respect for the dead plus an unhealthy addiction to fucking around with Photoshop, I present to you my suggestion for the inevitable repackaging (complete with price gouging) of the audio atrocity that is.......

What kind of loving god would spare Marky?

whatcha gonna do with all that fluff?

10 Things I Would Do If My Name Was George

• I would read "George" magazine all the time and constantly make jokes to friends and first-name-level aquaintences about not getting any royalties - hilarious!
• During asinine AIM conversations with women (who are most likely men) I would insist that "no, I don't look like George from Seinfield! ROFL!" right before I sent them the photoshop-doctored "pic" of me looking uninterestedly away from my webcam or maybe just the one of my wiener.
  
• I would convince my girlfriend to let me call her "Hoya" because now she plays in Georgetown, baby! I'm terrific!
• I would purposely befriend a large retarded man whom I would spend everyday with at petting zoos keeping my finger on the record button of my small personal recording device until he finally uttered the words "wanna pet the rabbits, George", at which point I would exclaim something to the effect of "whoopie!!!" and use that recording as my answering machine message (without the 'whoopie' though, because I'm pretty sure they never say 'whoopie' in Of Mice and Men and I'm going for accuracy here).
• I would rename this blog "Planet George" and the graphic at the top would be a picture of my face photoshopped in space with moons and rocket ships. Also, the description would be "All the News Fit to Print by George" or something equally brilliant.
• I would become a D.J. that spun shittly "jungle" crap and I would call myself DJ George and I would become a celebrity of sorts amongst the New York nightclub scene when I released my shitty jungle remix of "George of the Jungle". I would also probably hang out with Brendon Frasier based on the copious amounts of humor alone.
• I would finally learn to drive stick shift.
• I would swiftly and elegantly deliver blazing uppercuts to anyone who thought they were being cute by calling me "Jorge" (whore-hay). That shit don't fly with the George Master General.
• I would hang out with George Forman and his five sons who are also named George and it would be funny for like a minute until it got really confusing cuz I'd probably end up having to take out the trash or clean up some toys and then I would be like "FUCK THIS!"
• Most importantly, when people asked me what my name was, I would stand tall and proud, take a deep breath, look them right in the eye and say "George. My name is George." Fucking a right.
  

this is fucking taco town and i'm the mayor, bitch...

Did you know they made a sequel to "Bring It On"? Well they did. I'll give you one guess what they called it. Yup. That's right:
Bring It On Again.
If there was ever a better reason for the neutron bomb I don't know what it was.

Also, as if that wasn't enough bringing of it for you, I just found out that they made a sequal to "You Got Served!" Now this one I'm excited about! It's called "You Got Served: Take It To The Street". I'm assuming they try to serve each other inside a McDonalds or something and the manager is all like "hey hey hey, guys....why don't you take that to the street." and so they do. Rad. I can't wait for the trilogy to be completed:FUCKING A RIGHT!

marshmallows suck ass...

Who likes marshmallows? Not me.

Marshmallows are fucking whack beyond all belief. Sometimes when I think about marshmallows, it's all I can do to not drop-kick my cat. Why do marshmallows exist? Because the world is a terrible place.

Marshmallows were invented 3000 years ago by the Egyptians. Some dumb-ass cross-dressing pharoh was like "these kick ass!" and made them available only to upper-class citizens. What a time to be a slave. All the benefits of a polytheistic culture with none of the marshmallow consumption. Sign me up!

Speaking of the polytheistic aspect of marshmallow origins, do you think that could have any effect on our children, most of whom are brought up with some form of monotheistic religion? I dunno, lets ask Taylor where clouds come from:

"Clouds"
by Taylor

The god marshmallow loved to eat marshmallows. So he had a marshmallow party and all of the gods came. They ate a lot of the marshmallows. All of the gods liked how they looked and how they tasted. So they decided to make something that everyone would see since they liked marshmallows. Then Zeus made little white puffy clouds that looked just like marshmallows. That's how clouds were made.

THE END

What the fuck? Our churches are failing to the awesome power of marshmallows? Where is the outrage? Leave Marilyn Manson alone and hop on the hateful bandwagon to pariah town - hey hey ho ho marshmallows have got to go! I'm considering founding my own organization to give these right wing slow polks a kick in the ass. MAM: Mothers Against Marshmallows.

On top of all this, marshmallows are the main ingredient in "peeps".

Even the most hardcore fans of peeps can't tell you why they like peeps. Peeps are fucking gross.

And then, if you wanna get technical about it, Kraft - the number one marshmallow producing company in the world - is owned by Nabisco which is owned by R.J. Reynolds the tabbacco company whose principle share holders are registered members of the Ku Kux Klan. Eat a marshmallow - promote racism. You dicks. You fucking marshmallow eating dicks. How can you sleep at night?

Or maybe supporting racism isn't enough for you. How about terrorism?Fuck marshmallows. Fuck them in their stupid buttholes.

public service announcement

don't be like BrianFace.
don't drink and drive.

crockpots and whiffle balls

Everyone's always coming up to me and going like "hey Trent, what do you think you would look like if you were a Leggo guy?" and "say Trent, have you ever wondered what you'd look like if you were a Leggo guy?" and retarded shit like "gee whiz, Trent, if you were a Leggo guy, what do you think you'd look like?" and utterly insipid bullshit like "hey Trent, what's the best way to get to Planned Parenthood from the Las Vegas Bowling Supply Inc.?" Well you know what motherfuckers? I'm fucking SICK OF IT. HERE YOU FUCKING GO:

and
NOW SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY.

heavens to betsy

Yesterday, some fine upstanding citizen took it upon themselves to break into my automobile. I'm still not exactly sure how, as no windows were broken and the locks didn't look fucked with and I'm 100% sure that I locked it but whatever. Anywho, they tore everything out of my glove box and the center console thing and emptied out my backpack and made my already disgusting vehicle even dirtier. At first I was like "bummer" and then I remembered I had some movies in there from Hollywood Video and I realized they were gone and I was like "bummer" and I started looking around to see what else was gone and then I was like "rad" cuz nothing else was missing and then I thought about it for a minute and I was like "BUMMER". This dude/these dudes broke into my car. Basically, they could have taken anything they wanted. For free. And nothing was gone. My crappy stereo wasn't even touched. The ignition hadn't been fucked with so they didn't try to steal the piece of shit car itself. I have nothing of value that anyone wants and not only can I not give it away, people won't even steal it if they have the chance. The only thing worth taking, evidently, was something that was, for all intents and purposes, loaned to me. Enjoy March of the Penguins, dickheads, and thanks for reminding me of how much everything I have sucks.

disguise the limit

you bet your ass i did...

baby, don't fuck with icicles...

behold: a chipmunk.

after an exhausting 5 1/2 month journey across the ocean in a raft made of twigs and the bones of his fallen brothers, this chipmunk's lifelong dream finally came true - he made it to america. "it's everything i dreamed it would be and more!" the chipmunk exclaimed. he walked with wonderment down the bustling streets of new york, jittering with excitement and anticipation. soon, he came across a friendly cherry salesman. "it's always been my dream to eat a cherry," he swooned. "well pal, it's your lucky day, " the friendly cherry salesman said. "i have one cherry left and for you - it's on the house." the chipmunk couldn't believe his luck! what an amazing country! he placed the cherry in his mouth and felt it's cool tender skin against his lips. he trembled with anticipation as he began to devour this amazing new fruit. unfortunately, the relatively massive cherry became lodged in the chipmunks throat and he died because he was a fucking idiot and didn't realize that when consuming something as big as your skull, you should at least chew it a little bit. but no - he just fucking went for it balls out like a total dumbass. and when you think about it, the world is a better place now that his retarded vacuous no-common-sense-havin ass is gone.

R.I.P. - the stupidest chipmunk ever