whatcha gonna do with all that fluff?

10 Things I Would Do If My Name Was George

• I would read "George" magazine all the time and constantly make jokes to friends and first-name-level aquaintences about not getting any royalties - hilarious!
• During asinine AIM conversations with women (who are most likely men) I would insist that "no, I don't look like George from Seinfield! ROFL!" right before I sent them the photoshop-doctored "pic" of me looking uninterestedly away from my webcam or maybe just the one of my wiener.
  
• I would convince my girlfriend to let me call her "Hoya" because now she plays in Georgetown, baby! I'm terrific!
• I would purposely befriend a large retarded man whom I would spend everyday with at petting zoos keeping my finger on the record button of my small personal recording device until he finally uttered the words "wanna pet the rabbits, George", at which point I would exclaim something to the effect of "whoopie!!!" and use that recording as my answering machine message (without the 'whoopie' though, because I'm pretty sure they never say 'whoopie' in Of Mice and Men and I'm going for accuracy here).
• I would rename this blog "Planet George" and the graphic at the top would be a picture of my face photoshopped in space with moons and rocket ships. Also, the description would be "All the News Fit to Print by George" or something equally brilliant.
• I would become a D.J. that spun shittly "jungle" crap and I would call myself DJ George and I would become a celebrity of sorts amongst the New York nightclub scene when I released my shitty jungle remix of "George of the Jungle". I would also probably hang out with Brendon Frasier based on the copious amounts of humor alone.
• I would finally learn to drive stick shift.
• I would swiftly and elegantly deliver blazing uppercuts to anyone who thought they were being cute by calling me "Jorge" (whore-hay). That shit don't fly with the George Master General.
• I would hang out with George Forman and his five sons who are also named George and it would be funny for like a minute until it got really confusing cuz I'd probably end up having to take out the trash or clean up some toys and then I would be like "FUCK THIS!"
• Most importantly, when people asked me what my name was, I would stand tall and proud, take a deep breath, look them right in the eye and say "George. My name is George." Fucking a right.